Fake it...

Now, I will tell you something most Mothers will not likely tell you...

This past year of motherhood has pushed my “Fake it till you make it” mantra to new level. There are days, like most parents, I had moments of complete and utter failure and doubting my abilities to do the best for my son and for myself. Everyday I am recalling some of my little successes, little wins and even rewarding feedback as a sweet fruit of motherhood just to give me a boost. But sometimes (I mean most days, sshhhhhh) I am just faking it until I make it.

Single parenting is very challenging. Like capital H-A-R-D. So hats off to you all moms out there with more than on kiddo and especially to all single moms. I mean, how in the world do you do it?

As some of you may know, Jayson is away right now, so id like to call our parenting style as long-distance parenting, or skype-parenting. (wish I can sleep while Jayson is sitting Yllac via skype. like a skype bubble sitter that puts a baby in a cage tall crib or something like that.. Hey internet when are you coming up with that?) Yeah, I know! I make up fancy words now. I know! I am even imagining fake terms and making it happen. Well, you know, making lemonades out of my lemons?? It is working, so whatever.

So lately I had a little house and car trouble going on. And when your car breaks you don't ever ever EVER kick it, especially your house too. It does not work that way. Believe me, I tried. You have to bring your car to the nearest auto shop so it can get fixed. You don't cry, you don't shed a tear. Maybe you can scream a little but you gotta do it with a lot of courage while tucking away your fear and doubt far far away. To believe in yourself that you can do things you haven't done before. All you have to do is fake that courage and it will morph into a forced courage and before you know it, it will translate to something real.

Mix of anxiety and fear rages inside us sometimes. Especially when you do everything on your own. Sometimes you just have to laugh it off  because what else can you possibly do when your toddler is having a very public meltdown while pushing a very heavy grocery cart??? Nothing really. My desire to do right by my son, it  is overwhelming. There is so much to consider and I wanted to do so much but most times I am afraid to do anything.  And so, in those moments, I fake it. I pretend that I am not scared. I pretend that I am capable. And almost every time, somewhere along the way, my pretend courage becomes real courage. I am trying to make it. In spite of myself ( the real Denise is a wuss), little steps at a time, I am doing it.

Know what, when the doubt of inexperience and the fear of the unknown wants to knock you down, Fake it till you make it, folks. We are all truly capable of everything. It's okay to be afraid, slowly that fear won't matter, soon as you try

So, sup with you all folks?

ShooShooShooShopping...

 

I hate my foot right now. Before my pregnancy I was a 7. And then you know how pregnancy works and how it affects your whole body. My nose got bigger, my hands fatter, my rolls multiplied and my foot got wider. On my last month of pregnancy I was a 9. NINE!!! Making a human being is hard. You have no control over your nose, or your hair falling off, your gas and your foot. Then, two and a half years ago my oven  popped out a beautiful human being. You can almost stick your fork to him and say, He is well done. I am proud of what my body has just created. Slowly my nose, hands, arms and legs stopped getting bigger. My rolls stayed with me. Not complaining, my son loves them. And my foot, oh.my.foot...thank God that after all the bloat have subsided I stayed 8 for two years. And I was excited though. It gave me an excuse to shop for new shoes. And shop I did. Well, you know that....

 

About 6 months ago I noticed how slowly my foot were shrinking. My boots started to get lose and once, I slipped out of my heels while walking. I had to spread out all my toes just to get a grip on my shoes and continue walking.  Man, are you kidding me??? My foot were shrinking.  After much deliberation (wow! strong words for a foot size problem) I sold some of my shoes. Some boots had to stay because I love love love them. After all there's nothing a double socks and foot pads can't fix.

 

Of course when you're in the middle of a shrinking foot drama, shoes is gonna be the last thing on your mind. Or at least I tried to push some shoe thoughts way way way back on my mind. Today I measure 23.3cm.  That's barely 7.5. Well, I am fine with it. Since I am feeling confident about my new shoe size, I finally did some shoe shopping. This is the first time this year that I am shopping for shoes and it's August. Seriously, I am really excited for these shoes. Can you tell????

 

So tell me, my fellow moms, what's up with your foot right now?

Pardon My Silence, My Laptop Died...

 

About 4 weeks ago,( fyi, laptops don't live long as humans) my super old gigantor laptop took it's last breath by blinking on me for a microsecond and never to return again. I did my best to revive it by poking and tapping but it's too late. I even performed some computer CPR by blowing some air all over it, but It died on me,  And just like that it was gone. (whyyy??? GOD why???). Then as quickly as it died I told Jayson right away. He said he was relieved and happy that it finally died. RUDE! I love that laptop. It's like a pet to me. And when your pet die you don't go rush and get another one right? RIGHT? You should hear me sigh for days and weeks every time I look at my dead, lifeless cold "gadget". I look at my hotdog fingers and sigh because my fingers miss those squeaky keyboard. Oh, you should have seen Yllac tried to press the cd-thingy-rom and when it won't pop out he's as hysterical as me.

Jayson is right. I should have replaced it a long time ago. But I don't want to. Am comfortable with it. Am a tell yah, to be honest I wanted a new one. But I am dreading the change. I dread for going inside store after store looking for the perfect one. Plus I hate to pay for a new one. This new phase for me puts me in a limbo. Starting over.

...you still with me? yup! still talking about the laptop.

In those weeks that I am laptop-less (okay, it sounded like a hip term for nudie) I got myself some fresh dose of silence and peace. I know it's not the laptop's fault that I am anxious and "busy" and all-over-the-place state of mind most days. Mainly It's just me. So I challenged myself, I won't think about this blog and see what more can I do with my time away from the computer. The first thing I did was to go house-helper-less forever. But I think the decision behind that was not about the laptop. It's time for me to be independent regarding everything. You know, preparing for the future...And so far, it's been difficult but fun. Single parenting an almost two year old toddler without an extra pair of hand  is .....WOW! that's all I can say for now. But I am enjoying it. Let's just say, that the reward is a nice, almost dead-ish kind of sleep. Every morning I am like, "did I die or what?" Thank God for exhaustion.

 

This weekend Yllac got sick. His fever was so high it could touch the sky. I could cry too yah know. But I did not. I also prayed to God, Jesus and to Kris Aquino.  I did not sleep until he was a little well. His skin was so hot I burnt all night. All his tests gave a good result so basically there's nothing much to do but to let his body develop a wicked immunity to this bacteria he's been fighting this week. I just let him chill and puke on me a bunch of times. PRO tip: motherhood isn't just all rainbows and sunshines, it takes guts and you gotta have a huge balls of steel to be one especially on days your baby is sick. Gotta take note of that future mothers.

Doing everything  by myself gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment. This is exactly what I felt like on my early days of being a mom. My body so exhausted and I felt good as a super mom. Because when your baby reached toddlerhood, it's just all maintenance and play from there on. If you know what I am talking about?? I take Yllac to school four times a week (more about that later), so my life as a mom has been easy going. Sometimes I hate that - easy. I like it when I push myself hard cos that's the only way I can feel  am living this life. Too easy means.....too easy. It's bleh. And there is nothing to that.

So anyway, id like to share some 4 weeks worth of photos but my laptop isn't ready for that yet. Gotta install photo editor/viewer or something... pardon me, I am a genius.

 

So, hi you! I've missed you.

Now...

For the past days I've been organizing and doing a lot of cleaning up. Sorting out some of my forgotten boxes that holds a lot of memories. My favorite box are the boxes of our photo album - my family photos, from babyhood to high school, my college photos, our wedding photos and more recent photos  as a family of three. I know! it's like looking at my entire life in.a.box!! And there I was flopped on the floor feeling nostalgic about my life. I remember back in college I used to daydream about having a family of my own. On what it's like to be a mom and wife. To have my own house, to have my own life. I remember praying for a husband and for little babies years before. I remember our first apartment right after getting married and thinking this home is my new corner in the world. My new beginning. Most people as they grow old are desperate for the next thing, ready to move on. Me, I am a little slow when it comes to that. I am a little slow for letting go of now and sometimes my past. I know, It's not very positive of me. I am not not who I was at 21. Of course. I am not who I was 6 months ago. I am different now. So so different. Yet still so much the same. 

But I need to let go my past. Especially the painful ones. It was a long time ago, though I won't forget the pain...it will ease in time. To not dwell in the past means holding on to now. And now, I am a mother to this sweet soul I prayed a long time ago. Thinking about the future hurts just as the way we dwell on our past. Thinking about the future means growing up for my little boy and for a moment, my heart ached a bit... ached for how time goes... You  know, thinking how soon it will take that Yllac is off to college and marry the girl of his dreams and raise little babies of his own. The future gives, it also takes. 

Right now, I am learning the balance on grasping now and letting it go slowly. To enjoy what I am being given now, to celebrate each change of season and being okay to moving on to the next phase of life. Change is good. It means fresh start. 

So...yah know what I mean?

Anywhooo, let me share to you what's now on us here...

Now that my toddler is all legs and arms, I am enjoying this by making him wear the cutest little skinny jeans I've been keeping for him since he was a baby. I mean, skinny jeans are so stinking cute on little people.

Now that Yllac is a full grown toddler I don't have to break my hips carrying him when he's tired or just not in the mood for walking. He's more patient now and such a doll to take him shopping. This week I bought him his bubble refill. In toddler world, bubbles is a necessity next to food, milk, elmo and mickey mouse. Take my word for it. Yllac is crazy for bubbles , so crazy that he's ready to check-in to a bubble rehab any day now.

So tell me, when you eat your ice cream with spoon and fork, maybe it gives a whole new level of taste and uhm...class? 

Next week, ice cream and chopstick. We'll see.

Happy Thursday folks. Hope you're all having a great day.

Yllac's shirt and skinny jeans: Sm Kids Fashion (c/o)