Dear Cyd...

My earliest memory would be the day you were born. I remember Lola saying that I am gonna be a big sister and that time back at home we had no idea if you're gonna be a new baby girl or boy. So I was anxiously waiting for you to come home, announcing to everybody that "may kapatid na ako". I remember mom and dad coming home that day, I was wearing a dress and our family just went nuts and forgot about me to crowd over you. And then my next memory would be us two on our bed, you were so little and I was holding your bottle, feeding you. I thought you were so pretty and you have a cute nose. I remember one summer here in Bataan, I was 6 and you were 4, I carried you on my back for two blocks because you don't want your feet to get dirty. Everyone was laughing at us. I hate you that day. I remember breaking your ear too. Remember, we used to play with boxes pretending it was a car, I put you inside a little box, pushed you around, and when it was my turn, you refused to get out of the box so i pushed you to your side and you knocked your ear against the fridge. Your right ear was black for a week. Everybody hates me. I am so sorry about your ear. I really do. I paid dearly by not watching Mara Clara until your ear healed.  I remember that day after we watched Rocky, we thought it would be fun to box. So you sucker punched me, that one punch took my breath away I thought I was gonna die. So i cried to Papa Polding and he let me punch you numerous times by him holding both your hands to you back. But you just laughed and said I punched like a girl. I remember punching you to the ground and then a little later we shared a bottle of Sarsi cola.  

You were my first playmate, my first best friend. My first enemy.  Growing up, there were a lot of times I wanna get rid of you. You read my diaries a bunch of times and told mom about everything in it. You always find my diary key. OH well, no surprise there because we share a room. Maybe the highlight of my childhood was making you cry or laugh so hard that food and snot came out of your nose at the same time. When padded bra was all the rage when i was 12, I asked dad and mom to buy me one. But as responsible parents, they refused. So you told me to stuff mine with tissue paper.  When mom and dad don't understand, you always do and always will. Thanks for the tip. It did not work,

In high school, we acted like we didn't care about each other. Mom forced you to stay home and sat yourself in the kitchen for hours while i entertain a suitor in the living room. Oh, how much you hated me, but you do it because you care about me and to make sure that no boy gets to have any kind of "bases" with me. And when I first got my heart broken, you were there. You said I was so much sadder when we were together and I believed you. And I knew you were always looking out for me. Having you as a brother is better than having a superhero. Superheros don't get you burgers in the middle of the night, but you always do. 

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, to people we all grow old, but not to me. We know each other's hearts, we share private family jokes, family feuds, griefs and joys. No one will understand my craziness like you do, you are my childhood that can never be lost. You are my first male friend, my witness, my defense attorney, my shrink. And believe me, some days, you were the reason I wished I was an only child. You gave away two of my pants to one or two of your friends. You gave away our typewriter to your friend-in-need.  You have a huge, nice heart, so so so generous. People adored you, you are the favorite of the family. Two decades ago I was so jealous of you, now you make me proud. 

God knows I wouldn't make through life without you. 

Happy 31st birthday Cydibong. I miss you. I love you so much.

Love,

Ate

ps,

Do you remember the white dove Dad gave you when every boy in our street has one? I think you were 10 then. You kept it in a small cage and stare at it day and night for two days. You adored that bird. Three days later I took it out and let it fly. I thought if i clap my hands it will come back to me. 20 years to this day it hasn't come back yet. You cried for the loss of your bird for days and Im sorry I did not say anything. I think the bird was stupid, or am I? Now you know it was me, please forgive me.

pps,

there's only one person I "hate" in this lifetime. Nope, It was not the first boy who broke my heart. It was that girl who first broke your heart, that girl who made you cry in the dark and made you not get up from your bed for days. I still hate her to this day.

ppps,

I am glad I am not an only child.  

pppps,
Remember that one time, (me 7, you 5) we decided to run-away because we made dad and mom so mad  and we were both scared to go home? We hid in Inang's pugon and then you said, "Ate let's go home, it's getting dark." and we went home. How dumb are we???? 

ppppps,
Im relieved you grew up to be the great man that you are now, especially after all the torturous stories I made up when we were kids...the worms coming out of your arms, you did not move for minutes. And you actually felt wiggly things crawling in your sides. And how can you forget my cruelty by telling you that your real bilogical mom is your favorite ugly stuffed toy monkey you drag around with you all day. I am being mean to you because I hate that monkey, not because I hate you. You are my favorite brother after all. That night you slept with your monkey whispering to it's ear, "goodnight mommy". I hope you know by now that i was just kidding right? I mean, you're not hairy at all.