There was a time in my life that I hate so much. And I hate myself a million times for letting these ugly things happen to me. It was my darkest days. Full of hate and zero happiness. I see genuinely happy people, and I think to myself , I wish I had let myself feel happier. Then a genius thought came over me, that one afternoon I was all by myself boiling in ugly memories, crying and depressed. I had a silly thought that turned into a dream I will pursue for the rest of my days. I had realized that all I ever wanted for my life is to be beautiful. I wanted for my thoughts to be beautiful. I wanted for my home to be beautiful, my feelings beautiful, my words beautiful. I wanted a beautiful future, that everyday I will wake up to a beautiful day. I honestly wanted to fill every hole and aches of my life with beauty. I know it's a lot of work, I wanted it all because my life isn't beautiful at that time. It's a dream worth pursuing. It seemed crazy, silly and shallow, but to a person like me before, i was left with no choice. God made a beautiful world. Everywhere, we see the beauty he has created. A loving family, falling in love and friendship. There's beauty in every corner. The ocean, the animals, the stars at night are so beautiful. So living in hate, I feel like I am dishonoring God by ignoring all these beautiful things he created for me to enjoy. I prayed for passion in my life since then. Passion to feel and a deep understanding for all things different than me. Passion to learn and to somehow make an impact on what surrounds us. God created beauty and I am one of his creations, so why spoil it.
I feel like I have a beautiful life right now. We have a beautiful life. We don't have everything and we always fall short. But I am far away from my sad hateful years. So I guess this is beautiful.
And my life now wouldn't be beautiful If I didn't let Jayson feel, everyday, how much I love him. I want it to be something he knows for sure every single night before he goes to sleep, no doubts, no questions asked.
Life isn't beautiful without Yllac. I want him to be healthy and happy. And healthy and stronger each day. I can't imagine life without my baby. Sometimes fear would be so great just thinking about my son being sick. Oh I worry everyday. I am not entirely sure if that's a good thing but it keeps me loving him more everyday and to protect him, and be a Mom. I have learned that being a Mom for 17 short months now is about giving my whole self to him. It is about forgetting the world, the expectations. It’s about getting down on the floor, and really playing. It's not always easy but finding beauty each time I smell his hair, and sing to him, and whispering I love you's a hundred times a day, is all worth it.
Life isn't beautiful without my coke zero. Lots of them. Life is so much beautiful with cheese and peanut butter sandwich and once a week bag of potato chips. All by myself.
Sometimes life sucks. But life is still beautiful. It's ones choice to live and think and speak in beauty. It's a choice I made years ago and I am pretty sure I made the right choice. For what it's worth, I have made myself a beautiful life. Never perfect. Just Beautiful.
