Looking Back

We miss Koffy everyday. Not a day gone by we didn't think of him. It had been more than two  months since we had sent our dear baby Koffy back to Heaven. It will always be painful looking back at the last six months of Koffy's life, but I have no choice but to look back, because that's the only way to remember him. I have regrets and I blame myself for all the things I haven't done for him. I cry for the things we do not have now as a family because he's not here anymore. I wish he could have lived longer for Yllac. I wish they were playing now. I wish Yllac would remember him just a little. Some say, it's for the better, at least I can focus being a mom of one. But I don't want my life to be easy. There will always be a dog in my  life who will solely depend on me. A helpless "child" i will take care for as long as forever. I have the unfortunately perspective of losing a love of my life. I wish my life was busy with two, a baby boy and a dog. But I loved them both with everything that I had in me, and in turn, they have taught me what it is to love, and to fight, and to hope, and ultimately, how to be a mother. One thing I have learned about letting go and mourning - it never gets easy. You move on, but a little sad part of you longs to stay behind. I really hope one day Id be able to remember Koffy without sadness. Someday....

Yes Man

Hey ladies.... Do we like shoes?

Hellowwww?

Does a bear go poo poo in the woods?

Darn it! It's a universal truth that no matter how healthy our self esteem, we all have little quirks about ourselves we wish we could fix. Some people wish they could sing better, or remember names better, others want to stop smoking or quit biting their toenails, or stop pick their nose while inside their car, or some people wish they had the courage to stop being nice to their evil friends. Me - I wished like hell that I'd learn to stop liking shoes. Or at least have the control to stop drooling at shoe stores. But I am a girl. I dream of shoes. I talk to shoes. Heck Id diaper them if they go wee wee. But it was the principle of the thing. Girls love shoes. Sometimes some of them run a bit huge on me, but then I find myself strategically thinking how many cotton balls Id have to stuff in the toes to wear them on my date with Jayson and Yllac. 

But I can see you're nodding. I bet you're crazy too. I mean we only got one set of feet but how come we buy lots of shoes? Ladies huh?..... I guess shoe menopause isn't happening or will never happen to all of us.

Family Sunday

This is my dream, right here, happening right now in my life: Go to church every Sunday (because church on any weekday is weird), to NOT eat from our own kitchen once a week so we can take a break from washing the dishes and wiping the toddlers high chair and floor from all the delicious gooey stuff he's into lately. Namely avocado, cheese and more avocado and more food covered with cheese. To hear my toddler's (who's growing a mustache btw) roller coaster happy scream and singing - that makes Mariah Carey's song in the shrill department sound lame, will always be every momma's pride, including me, Momma Denise on top of that. And to have that toddler collapsed in my arms from hours of playing, oh that feels really good. Makes me think this whole mommy thing is an awesome gig. This is what I want, the whole "Honey, I am home" dream. A little house, a barbeque grill, plates, mugs and those cute baby plates and spoon. A cozy sofa, a blender and coffee maker and my own little shoe shop. I wanted those a long time ago and I have them all now. Someone to share my life with, someone to greet with a smile, a kiss and a hug, a toddler to tackle me every waking hour in the morning and at night before bedtime. I know, not much by today's standard, but this is everything by my own. See, I am a happy girl. Dream come true. Woohoo!

Happy Long Weekend

Yllac at 10 months, last November 2011

Yllac, Jayson and I wishes you a great, happy long weekend. See you on Monday!