There are days I find questioning myself...- am i a good mother? Sometimes I've been unsure. Other times I've been sure that I failed. But where do I go for answer? Whom do I ask? Honestly, most of the time, i always based my answer to the mood of this child. And based on these photos, YES, I am a good mother. But this morning, I was not. It's crazy what I've learned over the past three years, all the things I found out about myself, all of the contradictions and truths and certainty as a wife, a mother and as an individual. It's overwhelming knowing how much I don't know about life. But maybe that is good, I am okay with not knowing what's gonna happen next. I'll just have to enjoying the right now. Because sometimes, I remind myself, you don’t have to have all the answers.
A couple of days ago I transferred all of my iphone photos on my computer and it was pretty surprising how much of our family activity was recorded in there - in that tiny device. And most of it are our playground photos. Yllac loves the park. He's at this stage right now - in his cute age wherein he wants to go out every waking moment of his life. I just love how he screams in delight and just cannot wait to get free from his car seat each time we reached our local park. That seeing the swing makes him run like a cartoon with a super invisible legs. It's really fun seeing this outgoing side of him and I know there will be more fun as this is only the beginning.
Yllac has taught me so much even before he was here - during those 9 months he was inside me. Yllac made me feel confident about myself. That I am enough. Just me. His mom, in my pajamas, playing on the floor, on the dirt, no make up on, with my hair up and no fancy clothes. A child doesn't need many costly things to be happy - that I have learned too personally. Thanks to this child, he is my constant reminder to enjoy what's in the present, as he remind me whenever he magically grew a little bigger each morning and i want to be there for every second, not wasting any minute worrying about what's gonna happen a year from now.
Two days ago, It was just the dumbest day ever - Yllac bumped his head. It's not his fault but of course I always blame myself for these kinds of dumb accidents. Because It was a nasty nasty bump. It is these kinds of days when I realize I am most frustrated with myself and the fact that I am not perfect, and not everything is perfect. Not all days are full of happy moments, unicorns and cupcakes. That most days I am not in my Mary Poppins best, I don't have a magic and sometimes I am not charming enough even for my son. And if only I have magic, I will poof away that nasty bump. But guess what? I am not Mary Poppins (surpriseeee!)
But there is always the park. The swing, the slide and this chubibo. So i took him to the park. I was nervous because it's our very first Mommy and son date. It's our first date and he was already crying. Am I a lousy date or what? But then he saw the swing, the bump just went poof, it's as if it never happened. And that was the kind of day
I felt good as a mother.
the crying starts when the chubibo stops
But it is these kinds of days when I realize how incredibly lucky I am to be a mom to this boy, and I am especially grateful for that husband of mine. He is amazing. He knows my shortcomings but he is magically soooo forgiving. Every night before I close my eyes I always ask that taunting question in my life - Am i a good mother? Truth be told, I am not sure. I guess I will never be sure. But every day I get the chance to redeem myself. And someday, maybe someday I will eventually get it right.