I Am A Mother

Yllac, barely two weeks old

Motherhood isn't something I have dreamed as I was growing up. I don't think of it as my calling in life. Not until the day I felt Yllac's kicks inside my womb that motherhood slowly became real to me. Since then I was sort of over the moon. Then the dreaming of being a mom began. After thirty seven and a half weeks of pregnancy and of waiting and dreaming, Yllac made me a real Mom. I have brought a son into this world and discovered that I knew so much less about motherhood than i assumed, but so happy to discover that I was capable of dealing with far more stress (with a little sleep) that I thought possible. It's really true what they say, that sacrifice is part of motherhood but I had no idea the amount of sacrifice I had to give. But I signed up for this so I guess am up for anything this thing called motherhood throws at me. You see, Yllac has always been a poor sleeper, so our sleep was always broken. I forgot what rested feels like. And for more than a year now, I am okay with that. I have come to like the numbness in my arms every morning because he loves it as his pillow. Or that I have a boobies of steel now because most nights he likes to sleep on top of me and the first weeks of that is kinda painful, but since that's the only way he can sleep through the night, I am okay with that. A few weeks ago, I stood in front of a mirror in my underwear and saw the physical transformation of what motherhood on a tiny sleep has done to me..... and I am okay with that. It was all worth it. I am bursting with pride just looking at my son beaming at me, always healthy, happy and loved. He is a little sponge for life now. He keeps me in line.

I love being a Mom but I will always struggle being one now and battle worries probably for as long as Im a mom, but Yllac was given to me, entrusted to me by God to keep him safe. The very first time I held him at the hospital I cried. I am a finally a Mom. It felt surreal as i was looking at him and holding him, thinking he was so tiny and wrinkly. And he is mine. And I remember clearly, Jayson and I hugged so tight hours after I gave birth and still in so much pain, just us alone, thanking God for our little Yllac. We prayed in gratitude for entrusting us someone special, someone beautiful, pure and perfect.  I knew it was between those moments, looking at Jayson my husband, and now an amazing father, that I have found a deeper faith in God. And in between those special moments that my purpose in life now looks clear to me and the overwhelming new love and responsibility kicked in that I didn't knew I had in me. I have become a mother.

Happy mother's day to all of you, all mothers everywhere! To all of you who wish to be a mom but are not yet, to all of you playing a motherly role in someone's life, to the mother who raised my husband well and to my own mom who I love so very very much, happy happy happy mother's day to you!