A Blink....

My big boy fell asleep in my arms like a baby after lunch today. I held him till my arms numbed. The millions of times he falls asleep on me seems so fleeting now, but I can’t imagine a day when my heart won’t long to have him in my arms. It's been a blink. Such a blur. A flash. Yllac just turned 4 last December. He is truly a joy in my life. He is also my hardest work. I pray for the next four years to pass a little more slowly, though i know the reality is that they will even go trice as fast. 

Around Here Lately...

So, Hi! Hi! Hi! hello! hello! hello! hello!  to you! Woooohooo, that's the coffee talking but, you know what, I wanna say Hi to you too.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, Lemme tell you something about myself theses days. So every night before 8 pm I go to bed close to being dead. Thanks to the little dude I live with, and his refusal to take a nap during the day. Soon as he hit the bed and closes his eyes I drained the last of my batteries to tidy up the house and just completely let myself feel the exhaustion. You know, the whole combination of doing errands, house chores plus busting a move, and cartwheeling all day plus singing all kinds of songs, from Mickey Mouse, to Hi5 to Eraserheads, yup! my boy likes the Eheads. And you know what's good about exhaustion??? it's a gift. You first feel it in your eyes and as soon as you close your eyes you'll slowly feel your whole body letting go. It's like flying. Floating. Only on your bed. Tranquilized to perfection. You can actually operate on me, take out my liver and I won't flinch. And then 10 hours passing without me knowing it, next thing I hear is the sound of my little dude calling me mama and saying over and over again, "dede" or Mama, up! Dede. I mean, I cannot remember the last time in my adult life I've had 8 hours of sleep without interruption. And lately I am scoring more than 8 hours of sleep. Am I back to being a toddler or what? And I have a feeling I am getting taller too. It's like I am in this infinite loop, operating in repeat day after day. And I love it. Am a tell yah, I can fall asleep in trenches, in spite of the roaring of canons and shrapnel over my head. Dude I am in total peace. 

Anyway, anyway, anyyyyywaaay,,,, enough of the bragging.. I figure I wanna share some of the photos I took this week. Hope you enjoy them...

Last Monday, right after Yllac's class it rained faaareaking hard, just after we got inside the car. If we go straight home, and me opening the gate, I will get wet. I don't wanna take a bath last Monday so "we" decided to drive around and wait for the rain to stop. Seriously though, I am just an idiot taking a cue from a 2 year old's scream (because I know he does not want to go home yet, I can tell from his scream when he saw our house). And what do you know...when we stopped for gas I saw my little dude smiling from ear to ear. Happy as a clam. So for maybe an hour, my clam and i hang out with the cows. Fun date! 
 

I Am Bah-bah...

Irrelevant photo? Check!

Yllac poking this small butterfly a week ago, and BAM it moved. He's a good screamer. I feel safe with him.

Saying that I have a very complicated baby these days is an understatement. Oh well, thee-thee, pamalamadingdong, let me count the ways...

Let's say, for instance, I am gonna tell you that I  hate it when people don't eat my food. When I say people,  I only mean Yllac. As his bahbah (that's code for mama) i need to make sure that his food is not too cold and not even warm. He's in no way having any British blood in him but he likes his food in a perfect room temperature. And when it's not.... yah know what I mean? And anything meaty, I have to make sure that it's been broken-in first. Most days, I feel like I am a bird more than a human being. 

As his bahbah I can only dress him in shorts that's above his knee and no long sleeved top. Anything below the knee (except for pants of course) would unleash the end-of-days. At least for us two. 

As his bahbah, I know (and this he gets from me) that he is the most imperfect sleeper. It's good to produce one of my kind so there will be someone for him for the rest of his life to understand what it's like to need sleep but you just can't get it. But it breaks my heart seeing him all exhausted but can't seem to sleep it off on his own. Right now, all that I ever want as a mother is to have a special power or magic or whatchamacallit or spell to make him sleep in a snap of my finger, or to make him stay asleep and dreaming for as long as i want, aaaaaand to have this power to make him wake up all happy and cheery when Im all toasty and good to wake up too. Because this past few days he's my little white sheep every morning, complaining every little details of where should i pat him, or where should be my left arm go, or the blanket isn't covering all of his body and legs. I mean, come on Yllac, you're not even three and this is the drama we're having every day, every morning.

He is very complicated. Playtime isn't all about play and being laid back these days, when Elmo isn't sitting straight (elmo has no backbone fyi) he'd scream for me, "bahbah bahbah, emo, emooooo!", so i would get rid of elmo and replaced it with mickey mouse. The other day his choo-choo train ran out of batteries, so he screamed for me, all tears and goo streaming down his face. My poor little baby, all emotional and loud for his age. Sometimes watching him in full rage is equal parts amusing and terrifying.  Mothers, yah feel me? 

Honestly, there were times I find myself asking when am I gonna have my "life" back. Like, when am I gonna have a full long bath? Or when I am gonna wash and condition my hair again? Or I can just settle for a simple blow dry. God knows I've been dreaming for that night where I can sleep on my side again or to eat real food to warm my stomach for instance... (oh God please, no more Jollibee!!!) Or, it would be great to have an hour or two so I can answer emails, visit people's blogs and leave comments. I miss doing those. Or to have a quiet day so I can answer emails and visit people's blogs and to reply or just leave comments. I miss doing those. Or to have one afternoon for myself inside a coffee shop without having to chase another human being while I enjoy my very cold brain-freezing yummy iced latte. Anyway, anyway, anyway... you know what, Yllac is my purpose in life. Sometimes I forget that, I have to keep that in mind. Maybe even before I was born, God planned to create Yllac and plans to hand him to me. To me, his bahbah. This little boy dude - stubborn and bright eyed, and me, we're a great team.  Maybe in 18 years time we'll figure this all out, but now, He is for me and I for him. So now we just snuggle. Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle....His little hands clutching my arms holding so close to his chest, never letting me go.

anyway, anyway, anyway... this was us yesterday at 2 in the afternoon. I mean, we're not always meltdowns and cries over here.

this was my little sheep at 4 in the afternoon. HAPPY!

and at 5, this happened. He doesn't want to go home. Ggggggreat!

Life After The End Of The World...

oh, nobody else here, just us two monkeys holding up a fort every night since Sunday

Hi you! Another end-of-the-world has come and gone, how are you holding up? 

So last Sunday, I woke up to a news of coming storm and cankle-deep water in front of our home. I am talking about my cankles here guys. Since I am three equal parts of chicken, wimp and puss, I rushed back inside to pack an overnight bag and took my chicken little with me to some place high and warm. Know what, I'm glad am such a mother-of-all-chickens because little did I know that this year's flood will reach our living room and that means another car trouble for me. I cannot deal with another car problem, so... woohoo God for you made me perfect : sissy and chicken and all that.

For the last couple of nights I was thinking a lot of things, most especially our home. I mean, the water went inside. I was trying my best to not think about it. I distracted myself with shoes (on-line window shopping), lots of ice-candies, books and the little angel on my shoulder must have gone dead because I wasn't reasoning with myself anymore. As a matter of fact I watched One More Chance for the very first time, drooling and smiling on my own each time John Lloyd looked into my eyes. Eeeek!!! Lloydie is a great illusion and distraction in one yummy sitting but I got to come back to Earth and face the mess of my home. Seriously, that movie is a bummer but John Lloyd is hot. By the way who names their kid Lloyd these days?

okay, moving on...

This morning I got a clearance from my good neighbor that I can finally come home. I miss my home, I really do, but I don't want to come home to a mess. At this point, putting my best chicken foot forward won't work. So here comes another fake courage from me unleashing my inner-zilla to take charge. On the way home I let my car blast off some Third Eye Blind and Jason Mraz and I find myself singing loud to it. I mean, its so catchy that even my chicken little is humming to it too. Somehow while getting ourselves a drive thru Jollibee food (yum) and singing to Jumper (Everyone's got to face down the demons, Maybe today, We can put the past away.....) I have become an emotional rock. You know, it does not mean having no emotions at all, it just means, I am slowly numbing myself to not let things get to me as much and use logic instead of the first emotion that pokes into my brain. To be honest, I've been exhausted for the last couple of days and going to just-been-flooded home with my toddler for the very first time since the storm hit our little town is a bit draining just thinking about the scale of the damage. Cleaning a mess needs a good strategy and it seems overwhelming to me as a one-clown-show with a cute monkey as my side kick. I feel tired already. So, I gotta do what needs to be done. First, I gulped down two Jollibee iced coffee to gear up (yahknow...drinking coffee makes you do stupid things faster), then i finally broke down and called my aunt to help me clean up. Yes, there's an aunt somewhere and she's thrilled to be hearing from me, even that one call is to ask for help. yup! prodigal niece.

..we like to dance and sing and take selfies in between cleaning up.

So, three hours later and an empty bucket of fried chicken , and an empty can of lysol, and not forget a big bouts of tantrums from my chicken little - the floors are clean, our home is mess free. Iiiiiii did it. With a lot of help from my Aunt of course and also today Id like to give myself a little credit for a job well done and for being brave when all i wanna do is hide under a rock. And for having the courage to slowly face this mess I don't ever wanna deal with. 

This week, before, during and after the storm I have learned to focus on fixing only things that are in my control. I even surprised myself that I haven't whined about the weather or boredom and all the things I normally rant over at facebook. I mean, Im not X-men's Storm to control the weather. (did i just give you Storm as an example? yikes. That's too much tv for me) The last couple of days I managed to practice saying, doing and thinking nothing when i felt like complaining or just getting angry at something. I mean, to avoid negative experience would be silly. That's something we cannot avoid while we're all here. But it's always effective to build a gap and shut up. Okay, i need more practice on this one. But seriously though, I just can't complain. My son and I are well, healthy and safe the whole time. So I got a lot of good things going on for me. Life's a peach. Also, it's good to know, this morning the world did not end.

Okay, I am a sap and a bit of melodramatic. Oh well, you know that by now.

So goodnight my dear hommies. I will leave you this photo of my baby duck while we were having our dinner on our table, in our home. Just us two ducklings being silly, making lots of faces and snot noises. I'm not particularly proud of this, this snot face I am making him do, but he's in this stage where he mirrors everything I do. It's a fun fun stage for both of us. Yah know, he still likes me and is not complaining yet.

I wish you a relaxing Friday and weekend with the ones you love. Take a long pause and savor the simple joys of everyday life. As long as we are here, we are truly blessed to be living this life.

ps,

while my boy is tucked away safely in bed, i can finally, slowly, calmly and completely fall apart because today I lost a couple of books.... To hell with reason, i love those books. So let me nurse my booboo away tonight, it's not about logic, it's love. Darn, I love those books.

Stupid Cliches, But some of them are true...

"choo choo"

So, my dear ladies and gentlegays..lets talk about this stupid cliche ei? Seriously I hate them. I tend to judge anyone who uses them in a conversation. Id be like, c'mon , please spare me, but you know and I know they ring kinda true. That's why i hate it. At the end of the day ( that's one cliche for you) they are always true. And lately I have been watching a lot of movies - romance, comedy and you know, some action too. I love me some classic ass kicking John Rambo.. Movies and cliches... I don't know the difference. At least 70% of the scenes are cliches.  So anyhow let me give you my list of "Cliches that Are True and Real Corny" in life and in movies. 

On top of my head, in no particular order:

1. love is baaah-lind. (even a toad knows this one)
2. one cup of strong black coffee, a splash of cold water and BAM your hangover is gone. 
3. beggars can't be choosers.
4. don't count your chicken before they've hatched. 
5. the hero can take anything, a bullet, a bomb explosion, walk through fire, a stabbing, but still strong enough to kill a battalion of villains.
6. pulis patola. 
7. looks can be deceiving.
8. time heals all wounds.
9. actions speak louder than words. (men is the master of this art, women will never learn this)
10. the husband is always shocked when the woman tells him she's pregnant. (duh!)
11. the ugly duckling  will always turn into a beautiful swan and boys , all boys will fall in love with her. 
12. there will always be some whizkid you knows how to hack the computer even pentagon. (where is this kid really)
13. there's no such thing as a free lunch.
14. another day, another dollar.
15. a bomb is disarmed with two second left. (cut the red wire or he blue wire???), oh the perspiration too.
16. gun standoff (two guns each person pointing left and right) and the conversation continues normally
17. there's always a kiss at the end of a love movie. 
18. johnny depp is always hot.
19. Alien. There's always an alien that wants to wipe out the world. But you know, HA HA HA, better luck next time. 
20. heros/tough guys with 6 pack and jumbo arms walking away from an exploding vehicle.
21. jumping out of the windows without a scratch. 
22. a looooooong scream of NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! of fury. I mean, there's one in every movie. 
23. curiosity killed the cat.
24.  the good guys never NEVER fall off a fast moving vehicle while on top of it, while their foot steering the wheel.
25. the hero always gets the girl.

that's it for me guys... care to add more?

So, let's move on to another cliche part of this blog. The picture. Lotsa pictures of my life lately.

ever heard of, when it rains, it pours?

you gotta wipe your nose first and then your shades. I love this boy. 

where did my baby go?

mirror art

my bun and shameless selfie at the car shop... 

group cuuuuuuuddle... 

 

...and the rest of the car shop photos. Know what, each time i go to the car shop, i feel like i am going home with a  slightly bigger arm muscle and thicker mustache. 

Happy weekend folks. 

Fake it...

Now, I will tell you something most Mothers will not likely tell you...

This past year of motherhood has pushed my “Fake it till you make it” mantra to new level. There are days, like most parents, I had moments of complete and utter failure and doubting my abilities to do the best for my son and for myself. Everyday I am recalling some of my little successes, little wins and even rewarding feedback as a sweet fruit of motherhood just to give me a boost. But sometimes (I mean most days, sshhhhhh) I am just faking it until I make it.

Single parenting is very challenging. Like capital H-A-R-D. So hats off to you all moms out there with more than on kiddo and especially to all single moms. I mean, how in the world do you do it?

As some of you may know, Jayson is away right now, so id like to call our parenting style as long-distance parenting, or skype-parenting. (wish I can sleep while Jayson is sitting Yllac via skype. like a skype bubble sitter that puts a baby in a cage tall crib or something like that.. Hey internet when are you coming up with that?) Yeah, I know! I make up fancy words now. I know! I am even imagining fake terms and making it happen. Well, you know, making lemonades out of my lemons?? It is working, so whatever.

So lately I had a little house and car trouble going on. And when your car breaks you don't ever ever EVER kick it, especially your house too. It does not work that way. Believe me, I tried. You have to bring your car to the nearest auto shop so it can get fixed. You don't cry, you don't shed a tear. Maybe you can scream a little but you gotta do it with a lot of courage while tucking away your fear and doubt far far away. To believe in yourself that you can do things you haven't done before. All you have to do is fake that courage and it will morph into a forced courage and before you know it, it will translate to something real.

Mix of anxiety and fear rages inside us sometimes. Especially when you do everything on your own. Sometimes you just have to laugh it off  because what else can you possibly do when your toddler is having a very public meltdown while pushing a very heavy grocery cart??? Nothing really. My desire to do right by my son, it  is overwhelming. There is so much to consider and I wanted to do so much but most times I am afraid to do anything.  And so, in those moments, I fake it. I pretend that I am not scared. I pretend that I am capable. And almost every time, somewhere along the way, my pretend courage becomes real courage. I am trying to make it. In spite of myself ( the real Denise is a wuss), little steps at a time, I am doing it.

Know what, when the doubt of inexperience and the fear of the unknown wants to knock you down, Fake it till you make it, folks. We are all truly capable of everything. It's okay to be afraid, slowly that fear won't matter, soon as you try

So, sup with you all folks?

Now...

For the past days I've been organizing and doing a lot of cleaning up. Sorting out some of my forgotten boxes that holds a lot of memories. My favorite box are the boxes of our photo album - my family photos, from babyhood to high school, my college photos, our wedding photos and more recent photos  as a family of three. I know! it's like looking at my entire life in.a.box!! And there I was flopped on the floor feeling nostalgic about my life. I remember back in college I used to daydream about having a family of my own. On what it's like to be a mom and wife. To have my own house, to have my own life. I remember praying for a husband and for little babies years before. I remember our first apartment right after getting married and thinking this home is my new corner in the world. My new beginning. Most people as they grow old are desperate for the next thing, ready to move on. Me, I am a little slow when it comes to that. I am a little slow for letting go of now and sometimes my past. I know, It's not very positive of me. I am not not who I was at 21. Of course. I am not who I was 6 months ago. I am different now. So so different. Yet still so much the same. 

But I need to let go my past. Especially the painful ones. It was a long time ago, though I won't forget the pain...it will ease in time. To not dwell in the past means holding on to now. And now, I am a mother to this sweet soul I prayed a long time ago. Thinking about the future hurts just as the way we dwell on our past. Thinking about the future means growing up for my little boy and for a moment, my heart ached a bit... ached for how time goes... You  know, thinking how soon it will take that Yllac is off to college and marry the girl of his dreams and raise little babies of his own. The future gives, it also takes. 

Right now, I am learning the balance on grasping now and letting it go slowly. To enjoy what I am being given now, to celebrate each change of season and being okay to moving on to the next phase of life. Change is good. It means fresh start. 

So...yah know what I mean?

Anywhooo, let me share to you what's now on us here...

Now that my toddler is all legs and arms, I am enjoying this by making him wear the cutest little skinny jeans I've been keeping for him since he was a baby. I mean, skinny jeans are so stinking cute on little people.

Now that Yllac is a full grown toddler I don't have to break my hips carrying him when he's tired or just not in the mood for walking. He's more patient now and such a doll to take him shopping. This week I bought him his bubble refill. In toddler world, bubbles is a necessity next to food, milk, elmo and mickey mouse. Take my word for it. Yllac is crazy for bubbles , so crazy that he's ready to check-in to a bubble rehab any day now.

So tell me, when you eat your ice cream with spoon and fork, maybe it gives a whole new level of taste and uhm...class? 

Next week, ice cream and chopstick. We'll see.

Happy Thursday folks. Hope you're all having a great day.

Yllac's shirt and skinny jeans: Sm Kids Fashion (c/o)

The Art Of Putting My Baby To Sleep...

First of all, HI you! 

Second of all, I know I am gonna sound so dumb, but whatever, tell me again, is it Friday today? Because I cannot fathom how did Monday to Thursday come and go just like that. Like a snap and BAM it's Friday. It's confusing, but I love it. Well that's motherhood to you. The only day you remember is the day and time you get to sit and breathe and eat a bar of chocolate and think "what day is today?" and regret not eating a nice healthy breakfast, only to finish the whole bar like a marathon race.... I mean, it's crazy, I am beat. I am behind in what's happening in the world. Google Reader is shutting down? Why? But all i know is that, on the 4th of July (Pilipinas time, not Filipinas time), Yllac and me made some fancy bite size pancakes. That was yesterday. I took some photos but I cannot promise when I can share it here. Yah know, it's a mom thing. Blogging and motherhood, there's just no way for me right now to balance those two. I mean, you forgive me if I say, blogging can wait...right? I am willing to sacrifice a nap. Not always, but since I have a chocolate running through my veins now, so blog away. Someday, I will make it possible to continue this privilege of being a stay-at-home-mom and embrace blogging gracefully.

Anyway, Yllac is a dreamboat. He's my dreamboat of a toddler boy. He's sweet and cute and all that. He makes me forget about just anything else in this world, because, just like what I told you, he's a dreamboat. He's into jumping too. Lots of it. He's my baby kangaroo these days. And am a tell yah, baby kangaroos are tricky to sit and follow around. Yesterday, he dunked his big ol' head inside my purse, walked around with a bag on his head and sceamed mama! mama! while hopping. I am so overjoyed because of this child - mine and Jayson's lovechild. I want more of them. I want 12 of them. 

So here's the fun part of my life every night. yep! you heard me right! This happens every night. 

We share our bed with these two - Emo ( is it me, or Elmo is giving 10 different facial expressions here?) and Keekee Maw. Yllac likes them. He tucks them and sing to them, kisses them and rubs them and feed them. Sometimes he wrestles them and throw them off the bed. But most of the time, he loves these two. Three days ago, I had a dream. I was on the backseat of our car beside Yllac. Emo was driving and Keekee Maw singing Metallica. The only thing missing is Yayeebee and Jayson. That dream was perfect. Every night I feel like collapsing from exhaustion. But it was the good kind of exhaustion where it gives you a good long sleep. It was the kind of sleep where you cannot recall the exact time you finally drift off. It was good. You wake up the next day with a full tank of good sleep that keeps your engine running fine throughout the day. Some days over here can be very silent except Yllac making happy noise. He's singing and babbling things I sometimes do not understand. Two days ago, he came running to me and said, " mama, keemaw, keemaw, keekeemaw, keekeemaw". So we rescued keekeemaw under our bed. Yllac makes me so happy. If the highlight of your day is rescuing kekemaw, happiness isn't that difficult to find. Yah know what I mean? When I was young, I used to think I was happy. I am exhausted now, but happy and enjoying my life. It's like, I am literally sleeping with a smile on my face. Because who wouldn't be smiling sleeping next to a beautiful toddler and keekeemaw and emo? Tell me, who wouldn't? 

Happy Friday folks! I wish you a good sleep too.